This is not a Bonobo

As some of you may have figured out by now, we never get tired of talking about orgasms.  And following up on a post about Immaculate Orgasms, I found more information about how to get things going, so to speak.  Some of you may remember that I was stunned by the fact that visualizing a walk on the beach could lead to an orgasmic experience.

Well, thank goodness scientific resources are being dedicated to help us understand these things.  Women’s Health recently published a story about what turns women on.  You can read the full article here.  This is the excerpt I found most interesting:

“One of the most intriguing research nuggets to emerge: While male sexuality is fairly predictable—they tend to be aroused by naked women and naked women hooking up with other naked women—female sexuality is stimulated by a surprisingly wide array of turn-ons. Meredith Chivers, Ph. D., an assistant professor of psychology at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario, calls this “the nonspecificity of women’s sexual arousal.” Chivers created a buzz with a study in which she showed both men and women a variety of sexually explicit images—nude male and female bodies, heterosexual and homosexual sex, and sex between bonobos (a particularly frisky species of ape)—while measuring physiological signs of genital arousal as well as their subjective feelings of desire.

For the guys, the findings were straightforward enough: The straight men in the study were physically aroused by women, gay men were aroused by men, and neither group felt any stirrings for the apes. The men’s physical reactions (erections) were in agreement with what they reported being turned on by.”

We’re getting closer to the point here.  Of course guys are fairly predictable, and my guess is a couple of them had to ponder calculus equations during the Bonobo scenes to keep from giving the wrong impressions.  It doesn’t take much to stir a guy’s feelings, or terminate them in a heartbeat.  But what about women?  The article continues.

“The women in Chivers’s study were aroused by all the images—but that doesn’t mean they desired to have sex with the people (or animals) they saw. “Women have the capacity to get turned on by a broad range of things,” she says. “This is normal and not necessarily a challenge to sexual identity.”

While it may not challenge sexual identities, it can definitely confuse a partner.  Some of you may wonder where I’m heading with all of this.  I’m heading back to square one, where we always head when things get confusing.

Sexuality and arousal are among the most individual aspects of a person.  I mean, the idea of visualizing a beach for orgasm stunned me.  But on the other hand, what arouses me might raise a few eyebrows.  Sure, you can ask, but I won’t tell here.

And since sex is usually two people getting together for a good time, that means that two individuals have to synchronize their desires if everyone is going to have fun.  That means communication and patience are a big part of making sure a good sexual relationship can happen.  With such diverse points of arousal, men and women need to communicate openly and honestly to get the most from sex.

Or, you can just go solo, visualizing a Bonobo on the beach.  Personally, I’d rather talk things through.

Sex Honesty is a new grass roots campaign that Dan and Jennifer of Ask Dan and Jennifer have launched.  What is Sex Honesty?  They made a video to introduce the idea.  It’s a great campaign and we wish them well!

I can’t think of a better way to start this post other than to begin with the question that I’ve seen hundreds of times now.  “Does using an anal sex toy make me gay?”  Of course, it comes in many forms.  Does letting her use the strap-on make me gay?  Will a butt plug make me gay?  Or, the affirmative statements like, I’d like to try it with her, but I don’t want to be gay.

New Comers Strap On Kit

The only logical way to handle the questions is to keep the answer simple.  Toys don’t define a person’s sexuality.  They’re designed to stimulate parts of the body.  Whether or not a person is gay, straight or bisexual, is irrelevant when it comes to toys.  A toy will either stimulate or it won’t.  But it doesn’t offer any definitions.

As a friend put it, hugging a gay person won’t make you gay either.  The issue that I’d like to single out in this effort is the stigmas that are still applied to intimacy.  The questions I’ve read all come from a judgmental framework that is likely to ruin someone’s sex life, regardless of his sexuality.  If a man wants his wife or girlfriend to wear a strap-on [Note to those who may not have caught on to this yet: by definition, a man having sex with a woman is not engaged in homosexual intercourse.] and she wants to try it, it could lead to fun for both.  And how much fun do people miss by embracing the stigma?

Toys are meant to be fun.  As long as you’re playing safely, where you put them is irrelevant to your sexual identity, unless you make it relevant.  So grab a butt plug and some lube, give it a try and see what happens.  Don’t let tired old stigmas spoil your fun.