Good Costume

Last year we covered the basics of a Halloween party, and we can summarize it this way: Don’t throw a party that sucks!  Sucking is generally good, but when it comes to parties, sucking is really bad.  A party that sucks pisses off friends and relatives, makes your home a place of bad memories, and will usually kill a partner’s sex drive.  So let’s review the basics:

1. Have plenty of social lubricants on hand.  Beer and spirits (not of the otherworldly variety) can prevent a lamestorm.

2. Get a good costume; lame costumes just look stupid and may prevent after-party fun.

3.  Get fun games that everyone will enjoy!

So have fun this Halloween with a great party and maybe a little fun afterward.  The Sextoys Partyology Department wishes you a happy Halloween, and party on!

If you’ve been outside lately, you realize that it’s August.  And that means that it’s also hot.  Follow us here.  When it’s hot, you get sweaty (and possibly a little smelly too). Sweaty and smelly – except in certain positions, and well after the act has started – are not sexy.

That’s why the Sextoys Partyology Department is springing into action!  We don’t want summer heatwaves and sweaty, smelly people coming between humanity and intense sexual pleasure.  Our job is to keep the fun and orgasms coming, and we aren’t lying down on the job, uh, at least not in the office anyway.

Our research indicates that there is a solution to a long hot day of work and errands, and as always, with us the conclusion of such research is to party.  This time, we’ve discovered the party for two.  And it starts in the tub!

The Party Starts Now

Research has conclusively proven that the heat in the tub won’t be wrecking your nerves, it’ll be soothing your body.  We like to call it a “break out the bubbly” moment, as in a warm, cozy bubble bath.  Our Somewhat Mad Scientist claims that 2 people + 1 Warm Bath + 1 Bottle of Bubble Bath – 1 schedule = Serious Beginning to Sexual Escapades.  We never argue with the Somewhat Mad Scientist.

Research also indicates that if a spontaneous massage breaks out during the course of the bath, chances of knocking boots go up by 84.3% (unless someone forgot an anniversary present, or something equally stupid).  Add a little lip-lock to the massage and you have to practically be swallowed by a black hole not to get laid.

This is the good news.  We have, in fact, through serious research involving the Somewhat Mad Scientist and 2 friends, conclusively solved the “hot summer sex dilemma.”  The bad news is that we’re still pondering the “cold winter frosty toes kills the hard on dilemma.”  Get back to us on that one.

Anyway, into the tub with ya! You need to freshen up and get that massage going.  Enjoy, and remember, the Sextoys Partyology Department is here to serve, whenever you need us.

Use one of these and call us in the morning

Good morning and welcome to Monday, March 15, 2010 from the Sextoys Partyology Department. Today is significant for two reasons.  First, some of you were an hour late to work this morning because you forgot to move your clock forward an hour yesterday.  The cure for this is to go home tonight, use one of these with your favorite adult playmate and you’ll feel much better.

Second, we’re only two days away from a great holiday which has transformed into a reason to drink copious amounts of beer!  That’s right, Thursday will be a recovery day for many St. Patrick’s day revelers.  Others will have a few beers and enjoy the company of friends.  Whichever path you choose – good luck!

Woot!

We love St. Patrick’s Day around here.  Unfortunately, we don’t sell beer, but we can help you to keep things green with your sex toy collection.  The easiest way to do it is to convert your vibrator collection into a rechargeable collection.  You eliminate battery disposal, get a product that will last longer and you’ll enjoy your sex with a clear conscience!

Don’t know where to start?

You should probably have a look at the rechargeable vibrators we have to offer for starters. But we have some favorites, and among them is this gem of a sex toy.

The Wanachi Rechargeable Massager:

Rechargeable buzz

“Enjoy soothing vibrations anywhere you go with this cordless rechargeable massager. Powered by a whisper quiet motor and rechargeable battery, the Wanachi Massager is the premiere choice for revitalizing tired muscles.

Choose between 2 levels of soothing vibrations and enjoy the freedom of wireless stimulation. Plug in the AC adaptor for a quick recharge and the Wanachi is ready for portable action. The relaxing vibrations relieve tension and reduce muscle fatigue, giving your aching body the recharge it deserves.

Vibrating head measures 2.5 x 2.5 inches.”

So beer or not, you can get into the spirit of the holiday by keeping it green!  Get your rechargeable sex toys and make the world a cleaner, much, much happier place.  This concludes this service announcement from the Sextoys Partyology Department.

Only three weeks stand between you and another New Year.  And we at the Sextoys.com Partyology Department know what that means.  Another January 1st with a bad headache, a realization that at least half of your resolutions were broken before you got in the cab to go home, a dry mouth and a sincere desire to remember what happened between 2 and 5 AM.  We’re here to tell you that this year it can be different.

Time to get ready for the New Year

If you’re willing to put the time, effort and thought into a different sort of New Year, we’re willing to give you the tools!  It all starts with the party.  Sure, go have a toast with your friends.  Enjoy the company and wish everyone well.  But before you go, sit down with your partner and make a list of sexual resolutions.  We’re pretty sure that when midnight rolls around, you and your partner will have plenty of reasons to get home as soon as possible.

Here’s a helpful list of suggestions:

Resolution 1: We will start our sexual New Year as soon as possible! 1 AM sounds about right.  We’ll have to get home fast to make it!

Resolution 2: We’re going to try new things this year together.  Oh, we think you have a good idea of new things you want to try.  Sit down and do a bargaining session (I’ll let you use that Strap On if you promise to try the deep throat mints and give it a go!). Ya might want to do this bargaining a little before (like now), since it’s hard to find strap ons and deep throat mints at 1AM on January 1st.

Resolution 3: I’m going to find a different stimulus to get an orgasm.  Oh dear, this could take some time and experimenting.  On the other hand, WOO HOO, it’s going to take time and experimenting!  Heck, let’s make our entire body a playground.  Let’s try some anal play, nipple stimulation, different massages and anything else we can think to tinker with!

Resolution 4: I’m going to turn my play time into something really fun.  Try some games together, maybe fun sex dice, or strip poker, or, well, use your imagination!  You’ll figure out ways to laugh and make love in a whole new way!

Resolution 5: We are going to do this more often.  Do we need to explain this one?

Make your own resolutions and stick to them.  And always remember that the Sextoys.com Partyology Department is here to help you stay on track to a great sex life!

ATTENTION You will not find her in a Lamestorm ATTENTION

On the radar, we’ve spotted a Lamestorm…

“Say, Bob, that sure is a cool Vampire suit,” Johnny says as he wipes cracker crumbs off his chin.  “Mike came as Darth Vader, you know.”  He washes down his cheese cracker with the four dollar wine and waves Janet over.  “Hey, Janet, come check out Bob’s Vampire suit!”

Janet rolls her eyes and heads for the Gin spiked punch bowl.  Susan’s on the couch, listening to ballads that weren’t even “that cool” twenty years ago when they were made.  She crosses her legs, leans back and reaches into her purse for a cigarette, remembering that she’d have to go out on the back patio to smoke it.  She pulls her hand back and crosses her arms when she thinks of Tony stomping around drunk in the back yard with his ten dollar Frankenstein mask.

The rental disc jockey picks up his microphone and says, “Alright everyone, Joe says it’s time to play Transylvania Style Charades!  Everyone into the living room!  I’ll be back on in thirty minutes, playing your favorite hits!  Remember the tip jar!”

Susan stands up, picks up her purse and heads for the patio.  She figures watching Tony act like a drunken sot would be more entertaining than trying to signal “werewolf” to Count Draculidiot and Darth Vader.  Amber’s pulled out her car keys and heads for the door.  Raymond has fallen asleep in the dining room next to the Hors D’oeuvres.

*****

This could be your Halloween party. Tragically, each year lame parties break out on major holidays around the world.  You don’t have to be a victim of this insidious phenomena.  They spring up from random acts of unimaginative planning, careless disregard for fun and from the minds of people trapped in corporate jobs where fun is defined by one’s productivity divided by one’s total break time plus lunch.

Only you can prevent Lame Party Syndrome.

For starters, please don’t wear a lame costume.  This is the beginning of the Lamestorm.  If you wear something tired, dull and unimaginative, you will only create a Lame Field around you that affects others.  They innocently wander into your Lame Field and themselves begin to feel lame.

If you don’t have the time to spend on costume selection, just go here for a good idea.  If you create a Lame Field, you have only yourself to blame.  Lame Party Syndrome most frequently breaks out in the closets of those invited.

Play this at your next party to create a waiting list for the following year

Next, don’t buy cheap drinks.  C’mon, man, this is a holiday!  Spend a couple extra bucks for the good stuff.  And for crying out loud, don’t use styrofoam or paper cups.  Are you kidding me?  You’ll create a monumental Lamestorm when the beverage gods see the good stuff going into environmentally unsound – or worse yet – Lame containers.

Get some of these and block the Lame with a sexy twist.

Finally, while Count Draculidiot and Darth Vader may love “Transylvania Style Charades,” you’ll bring serious Lame into the party atmosphere with them.  Heck, the only thing more dangerous to fun would be the “Uber” (used here for effect) Lame Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock collaborating with those dressed as Romulans to play “Star Trek Style Charades.”

As an aside, should that actually happen at a party you attend: a) Reconsider your invitation acceptance strategy b) Chug as much of the cheap booze as you can manage, and c) Hail the nearest cab, lest you wake up next to a Klingon commander in the morning.

Get a fun, sexy game to play at the party!  A fun game (if you play games) is the difference between a good time and a Lame Party Syndrome that sends your guests home in an angry, stultified stupor.

This concludes the Sextoys.com Partyology Department’s Official Lamestorm Warning And Holiday Statement.