That’s right.  When you think Halloween, you think dildos and pocket vaginae.  Don’t even act like you don’t.  Don’t act like you don’t like the plural of vagina, either.

I’m going to go ahead and start with my favorite of them all, The Vamp.  This is Tantus‘s version of the vampire cock.  It sparkles.  It makes me happy.  It is 6.75 inches of pastie undead silicone goodness.  Pthalates free an hypoallergenic per usual.  It is harness compatible so you can put your fangs in, strap it on and play out all of your Twilight Pegging fantasies to your nerdy little heart’s content.

This one’s for you, dudes.  Painfully awful pun intended.  Not to say the boys can’t use The Vamp, but the Succu Dry is most def a boy toy.  Female bodied peeps, if you can figure out a way to use this vampy Fleshlight, get it done!  Modeled after Masuimi Max’s pretty mouth (and fangs), the SD is made from the patented Real Feel Super Skin material with “The Fang” textured tunnel.  Don’t worry, it’s soft and oh so tight.  It will make jacking off in a can more awesome than you could have ever imagined.

It’s actually the coffin case that makes the Death By Orgasm: Werewolf Silver so appealing.  The name is pretty catchy as well.  I have to give it to LoveHoney, that was some good marketing!  Jokes aside, they LH makes some quality products and this little bullet vibe has enough power to get you off, espeically if yo’re a fan of external clitoral stim.  I’m a firm believer in having a bullet vibe on hand for times when you just need a little something simple in your masturbation mix.  I’m thinking you might as well go with one that comes with a storage case.  A coffin storage case.

Happy vampire sex toy shopping!

It’s time to order your Halloween costumes!

We are offering 20% off of all of our Halloween Costumes!  This most sacred of all holidays is coming up super fast, so I suggest you hurry up get your order in post haste.  Don’t be the jerk that asks for candy in your t-shirt and jeans.  That’s just lame.  Instead, wear a sexy something or other to get your trick or treat on.  Plus, all costumes are on SALE!  Here are a few examples of what you could strut your candy-eating-ass in this Halloween.

Perhaps this isn’t exactly what the True Blood vamps where, but it’s sexy.

Vampire Vixen Dress

What up, gangsta?!?!?

Mafia Mistress Costume

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?

Red Riding Hood Costume

My personal favorite…

Nun Costume

And for the gentleman in your life:

The Classy Beer Schlong Costume

There are so many more to choose from, so get to shopping so that you’ll be sure to receive your costume in time!

Good Costume

Last year we covered the basics of a Halloween party, and we can summarize it this way: Don’t throw a party that sucks!  Sucking is generally good, but when it comes to parties, sucking is really bad.  A party that sucks pisses off friends and relatives, makes your home a place of bad memories, and will usually kill a partner’s sex drive.  So let’s review the basics:

1. Have plenty of social lubricants on hand.  Beer and spirits (not of the otherworldly variety) can prevent a lamestorm.

2. Get a good costume; lame costumes just look stupid and may prevent after-party fun.

3.  Get fun games that everyone will enjoy!

So have fun this Halloween with a great party and maybe a little fun afterward.  The Sextoys Partyology Department wishes you a happy Halloween, and party on!

Time to get in touch with your naughty side

Tick. Tick. Tick.  Your time is running out to get awesome fetish sex toys, costumes and adult party fare for your Halloween celebration!  As we previously mentioned, you want a memorable and fun Halloween party.  You don’t want to become a victim of Lame Party Syndrome.  And even if your Halloween celebration will be limited to you and your partner, having the perfect sex toys are a great way to add spice to the celebration.

Up until now, we’ve shown you the lighter side of Halloween fun.  But some of you – the really lucky ones – like to have a little more wicked fun.  That’s where we can help you with our great selection of Fetish Sex Toys.  So get in touch with your naughty side for some wild fetish fun.

Now, we should mention that you’ll need to bring your imagination along for this trip.  The naughtier you feel, the more fun you’ll have.  Whether it is getting the perfect wicked look for a night out, being a little too “tied up” to make the party, giving your partner a Halloween spanking, or, if you really engage your imagination, taking the whole costume idea to a whole new level with some true BDSM role play.  The REALLY imaginative might even want to open their own Halloween dungeon.

That’s right, the only limits you have are the limits of your imagination!

Let’s start with that wicked look for a night out.  If you’ve picked your costume, you’ll want to accessorize to get your own unique look.  Check out these Eyelash Spike Goggles for that wicked look you want.

Eyelash Spike Goggles

From Axovus:

“Axovus Eyelash Spike Goggles are uber cool goggles! One size fits all, fully adjustable head strap and bridge chain, these uber cool goggles feature six 1 1/4″ claw spikes.

These goggles also feature removable 50mm lenses, comes standard with smoke colored lens, red, blue and 3D lenses available.”

And if you like the spiked look, you can move it down to your wrists with the intense Bolts and Spikes Gauntlet, which is probably the most hard core product for accessories we have in stock.  Toss in a Spiked Collar and you’ll have the Axovus trinity of awesomeness for the complete, sexually charged and dominating fetish look.

But you don’t have to go out to have a good time on Halloween.  It’s true.  Some of you like to be a little too “tied up” to make the party.  We like you.  We want to help you have every possible excuse, from the tightest to most erotic, to skip out on the song and dance and go straight for the squirm!

And for those of you who like this idea, we start with a good old fashioned Halloween Hog Tie!

Perverted Halloween wishes to you and yours

“The First and only HOG TIE that allows full access to all of your partners most intimate areas. Just Lock the wrist and ankles to the thighs and enjoy the journey…”

We like people who enjoy the hard core.  Shoot, WE like the hard core.  Find the hard core restraints to keep you tied up in our Restraints category.

Get things really hot with these

We apologize.  Was that not hard core enough for you?  If so, you’re our kind of fetish fanatic.  So you want something a little more intense?

How about a gag?  Should we throw in some nipple clamps?  What if we combined the gag and nipple clamps?  Are you warming up to the idea?

The Fetish Fantasy O-ring with Nipple Clamps is just what you need!

“Open WIDE!

Get your lover to open wide and say AHHH with this naughty O-Ring Gag with Nipple Clamps. The gag consists of a small metal O-ring wrapped in leather, connected to two sturdy leather straps.

Two chained nipple clamps keep your nipples perky, and the coated clamps easily adjust to fit your desired tension. The leather straps adjust to fit most sizes, pulling the ring tight and keeping the mouth open wide. You’re in control over when and how often your lover speaks…what you do next is up to you!

Free mask included.”

Some of you want to mix your costume fun with some serious, real life role play.  Time for a master and slave, yeah?  Maybe your man needs a strong dominatrix.  Maybe your WOMAN needs a strong dominatrix.  Maybe you want to take your captive to the dungeon!

We have a variety of choices that let you play the way you want.  With Cock and Ball Toys and Chastity Devices, you can get him under control.  Take her to the dungeon for a spanking, or for some intense breast play.  You can collar your slave and make him wear a hood or blindfold.

You can even play doctor for Halloween

We think you’re getting the idea.  With our selection of Fetish Sex Toys, you can get in touch with the wicked within and turn your Halloween celebration into the naughtiest fun you can imagine.  Whether you want an explosive orgasm, or you want to deny your slave his, we have everything you need.

Make sure to get your fetish gear soon, or you won’t have it for the holiday!  Happy Halloween, and be careful with his package when you play hard, you might want it around later!

ATTENTION You will not find her in a Lamestorm ATTENTION

On the radar, we’ve spotted a Lamestorm…

“Say, Bob, that sure is a cool Vampire suit,” Johnny says as he wipes cracker crumbs off his chin.  “Mike came as Darth Vader, you know.”  He washes down his cheese cracker with the four dollar wine and waves Janet over.  “Hey, Janet, come check out Bob’s Vampire suit!”

Janet rolls her eyes and heads for the Gin spiked punch bowl.  Susan’s on the couch, listening to ballads that weren’t even “that cool” twenty years ago when they were made.  She crosses her legs, leans back and reaches into her purse for a cigarette, remembering that she’d have to go out on the back patio to smoke it.  She pulls her hand back and crosses her arms when she thinks of Tony stomping around drunk in the back yard with his ten dollar Frankenstein mask.

The rental disc jockey picks up his microphone and says, “Alright everyone, Joe says it’s time to play Transylvania Style Charades!  Everyone into the living room!  I’ll be back on in thirty minutes, playing your favorite hits!  Remember the tip jar!”

Susan stands up, picks up her purse and heads for the patio.  She figures watching Tony act like a drunken sot would be more entertaining than trying to signal “werewolf” to Count Draculidiot and Darth Vader.  Amber’s pulled out her car keys and heads for the door.  Raymond has fallen asleep in the dining room next to the Hors D’oeuvres.

*****

This could be your Halloween party. Tragically, each year lame parties break out on major holidays around the world.  You don’t have to be a victim of this insidious phenomena.  They spring up from random acts of unimaginative planning, careless disregard for fun and from the minds of people trapped in corporate jobs where fun is defined by one’s productivity divided by one’s total break time plus lunch.

Only you can prevent Lame Party Syndrome.

For starters, please don’t wear a lame costume.  This is the beginning of the Lamestorm.  If you wear something tired, dull and unimaginative, you will only create a Lame Field around you that affects others.  They innocently wander into your Lame Field and themselves begin to feel lame.

If you don’t have the time to spend on costume selection, just go here for a good idea.  If you create a Lame Field, you have only yourself to blame.  Lame Party Syndrome most frequently breaks out in the closets of those invited.

Play this at your next party to create a waiting list for the following year

Next, don’t buy cheap drinks.  C’mon, man, this is a holiday!  Spend a couple extra bucks for the good stuff.  And for crying out loud, don’t use styrofoam or paper cups.  Are you kidding me?  You’ll create a monumental Lamestorm when the beverage gods see the good stuff going into environmentally unsound – or worse yet – Lame containers.

Get some of these and block the Lame with a sexy twist.

Finally, while Count Draculidiot and Darth Vader may love “Transylvania Style Charades,” you’ll bring serious Lame into the party atmosphere with them.  Heck, the only thing more dangerous to fun would be the “Uber” (used here for effect) Lame Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock collaborating with those dressed as Romulans to play “Star Trek Style Charades.”

As an aside, should that actually happen at a party you attend: a) Reconsider your invitation acceptance strategy b) Chug as much of the cheap booze as you can manage, and c) Hail the nearest cab, lest you wake up next to a Klingon commander in the morning.

Get a fun, sexy game to play at the party!  A fun game (if you play games) is the difference between a good time and a Lame Party Syndrome that sends your guests home in an angry, stultified stupor.

This concludes the Sextoys.com Partyology Department’s Official Lamestorm Warning And Holiday Statement.