As we get close to the end of the year, we were thinking about the coolest toys we’d experienced this year.  We decided to do a list of them and share it with you.  These are the top 3 toys we fell in love with this year:

1. Running away with our top choice, bar none, no competition, the “uber-ultra-super-best” toy of the year by far, was April Flores’ Voluptuous Cyberskin Pussy.  Here’s a small sampling of our expert’s review:

“Guys, you can go ahead and read this to get the details, but you’re going to want this toy.  Seriously.  My time with this toy hit a 9.8 on the get-off-o-meter, only because I deducted .2 points for it not actually being April Flores.  This toy is simply awesome.”

And this:

“The toy is substantial and even has her ultra sexy curves for the realistic effect.  If you’re a guy who likes the curvy woman, you’ll love this toy.  Topco Sales and Wildfire made this one feel completely realistic.  Oh, and if you really like your women curvy, you’ll love the little jiggle this gives when you move it around.”

Gotta have it

And the conclusion:

“I’ll spare you all of the sordid details, but you should know that this toy and I have started a beautiful friendship.  And I have a new crush on April Flores.  The best of both worlds, watch and play, that’s what April and her toy provide!”

You absolutely have to try the April Flores Voluptuous Cybersin Pussy to believe how good it feels.

2. Coming in second, still making a strong showing in our opinion polls, was Tantus’ Alumina Flow.

Alumina Flow

“Tantus Alumina is made of 100% aeronautic grade aluminum and designed to play anatomically with your body’s pleasure zones. Aluminum is a lighter metal than stainless steel, it doesn’t feel so heavy.

Each toy is anodized which not only adds to the beauty, but increases corrosion resistance and wear resistance. Aluminum is the most abundant metal in the Earth’s crust. It makes up about 8% by weight of the Earth’s solid surface. It is recyclable and safe.

Tantus Inc. uses only the highest quality materials in the manufacture of their sex toys. These sex toys are an excellent choice for consumers who suffer from allergies, or sensitivity to chemicals. Whether it is medical grade silicone or quality controlled, body safe and treated aluminum, you can be sure that the use of a Tantus sex toy is safe and healthy.”

Some readers may remember our interview with Tantus CEO Metis Black.  She made a tantalizing suggestion:

“Sextoys – Tantus recently introduced the Alumina line of aluminum toys.  Do you plan to work with other materials as well in the near future?

Metis Black – Oh yes and they will all be safe and healthy for the body. But first we’re working on making the Alumina line vibrate.”

We can’t wait!

3. And our final selection was released a little before 2009, but we got it in this year, and we wanted to show a little love to one of the highest quality fetish wear companies in the world, Axovus.  Their Bolts and Spikes Gauntlet is absolutely HOT!

“Now this is how you make a statement!

This gauntlet just SCREAMS METAL!

Spiked with 59 – 1/2 inch nickle plated brass tree spikes and stainless steel nuts and screws. These leather gauntlets are laced for maximum adjustability.

Another great Fetish accessory by Axovus.

Main piece is 8 high; and fits approx. 6 to 11 wrist. And approx. 8 to 14 forearm. Priced per gauntlet.”

So sexy and hot

We had a great 2009, and hope that you’ll check out these sex toys and our complete selection of great products still in inventory before the new stock comes in for 2010!

OK, boys, it’s time to think about that Christmas gift.  And if you’re lucky enough to have someone naughty in your life, you’re thinking what I’m thinking, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, sex toys for couples.  That’s right, this is the perfect season to put a little extra hot sauce in the relationship stew.  Well, first, take your finger off the mouse, and don’t click the button to complete your purchase.  That’s right, we have to put those thinking caps on for just a few minutes.

Click this picture for a good idea

Now, for our less experienced brethren, we need to spell some things out.  Trust me boys, reading this is going to spare you an awkward stare in the best case scenario, or a “What were you thinking?” question in the worst case scenario.  Here’s a little tip from your friendly testosterone based sex toy expert: What we find incredibly hot, may not always be what women find incredibly hot.

Maybe a good idea or maybe not

Take that dildo you were staring at a few minutes ago.  You might have been thinking “Wow, she’ll love this!”  That may be true, but are you willing to risk your studliness rating on it?  Think it through with me now.  If you know her sexual appetites like the back of your hand (you lucky devil), you may be perfectly alright buying that dildo.  And that’s good.  But why would you settle for good when you can have the best?

That’s right.  This year, you’re going to enhance your sex life with the tools that our spies have identified as THE most effective tools in the war against boring sex, and give her a holiday gift she’ll love.  Boring sex is perhaps the toughest opponent we men have battled since the beginning of history.  You think Genghis Khan was tough? Puh-lease.  The Mongol hordes were cupcakes compared to, “If you insist, but I really have a headache.”  You can kill a horse mounted archer.  “I’m not in the mood” is an ethereal vapor that can only be temporarily dispelled.

And boring sex has some powerful allies.  Stress, moods, misunderstandings, thoughtlessness, anger and hurrying all give boring sex their complete endorsement and support.  To fight boring sex, you must defeat this great evil’s allies.

Misunderstandings, thoughtlessness and anger can all be easily defeated.  Try being nicer.  Put your partner first sometimes.  Listen (yeah, I know, that’s one of the hard ones, but if you try it, you may actually learn something too).  Here’s a thought, make your partner dinner (or buy a really nice bring home one if you really can’t cook – learn to cook) and have it waiting for her for when she gets home from work.  Around the high-strung holidays, this is an excellent idea.

You serve it up and sit and enjoy it with her, listening to how her day went.  That’s only a first step, but you’ll be on your way. And watch her facial expression as you pay attention to what’s on HER mind, not yours.  Trust me boys, this one is a winning strategy for not just sex, but for everything.

Give her a stress reliever

Stress is an evil ally of boring sex that really takes an effort to dispel.  Try cleaning the house some, doing things that irritate her less, and doing things for her that really make her uncomfortable to do herself.  PAY ATTENTION MEN, HERE COME SOME SERIOUS TOOLS.

The next step to defeating stress is to provide an environment for her where she can totally relax.  The warriors among us know exactly how good a hot tub can feel after a hard workout or practice.  Give her the holiday gift of a luxuriant bath, and you’ll deal stress a wicked blow.  Watch her go from cranky to cozy as the hot bath filled with Kama Sutra’s Treasures of the Sea pampers her.  She’ll let that stress melt into the sea blue bath and be feeling better in short order.

Some of the young bucks among us are now asking “What does this have to do with me getting laid?”  Settle down and read on, boys, you may learn something.

Next on the holiday list to kill off some stress is a great massage.  Our spies report that nothing on earth is better for relieving stress than a good massage where it counts.  Is your partner on her feet all day?  A good foot massage is a perfect way to show her you appreciate her.  Does she have a high stress office job that keeps her under pressure?  Neck and shoulder massages, coupled with a good back massage can release all of that stress if you take your time and do it right.  Get a good massage oil and give her the attention she needs (and most likely really wants if you aren’t doing this already).

You can add to all of the relaxation with some aromatics as well.  A good candle is an excellent choice to accompany the hot bath.  The Ocean breeze scented candle would match nicely with the Treasures of the Sea. It’s all about the moment, boys.  If she can relax and enjoy the moment, stress will flow right out of her and you’ll be Mr. Hero in that moment.  Want some real fun?  Get a candle that produces massage oil like the 3 in 1 Yule Love It, which is a perfect choice for the holidays!

Everything you can do to relieve and reduce stress is one more point scored against boring sex.  Where were we on the list?  Right, moods and hurrying are left.  Here’s the thing, sometimes everyone involved wants a quickie, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  No better way to start the day than with a nice orgasm all around.

But quickies are just that, a quick moment of pleasure.  If you want the mind bending, knee rattling orgasm, you’re going to need time and the right mood.  Lucky for us, Sarah has done an extensive post on how to fight both of these enemies.  Now the smart among us are thinking “This sounds like an awful lot of work, and it isn’t what I would’ve thought, so it must be right!”  The idiots will buy a random sex toy and say “Hey honey, let’s get down for Christmas.”

Boys, invest in the gifts above this holiday season and you’ll win.  Trust me.  Focus on her, relieve stress, show some serious affection and the boring sex won’t even try to make an appearance again before Valentine’s Day, which is another great opportunity to shower her with more happiness.

Good luck, man up, and get shopping.

Only three weeks stand between you and another New Year.  And we at the Sextoys.com Partyology Department know what that means.  Another January 1st with a bad headache, a realization that at least half of your resolutions were broken before you got in the cab to go home, a dry mouth and a sincere desire to remember what happened between 2 and 5 AM.  We’re here to tell you that this year it can be different.

Time to get ready for the New Year

If you’re willing to put the time, effort and thought into a different sort of New Year, we’re willing to give you the tools!  It all starts with the party.  Sure, go have a toast with your friends.  Enjoy the company and wish everyone well.  But before you go, sit down with your partner and make a list of sexual resolutions.  We’re pretty sure that when midnight rolls around, you and your partner will have plenty of reasons to get home as soon as possible.

Here’s a helpful list of suggestions:

Resolution 1: We will start our sexual New Year as soon as possible! 1 AM sounds about right.  We’ll have to get home fast to make it!

Resolution 2: We’re going to try new things this year together.  Oh, we think you have a good idea of new things you want to try.  Sit down and do a bargaining session (I’ll let you use that Strap On if you promise to try the deep throat mints and give it a go!). Ya might want to do this bargaining a little before (like now), since it’s hard to find strap ons and deep throat mints at 1AM on January 1st.

Resolution 3: I’m going to find a different stimulus to get an orgasm.  Oh dear, this could take some time and experimenting.  On the other hand, WOO HOO, it’s going to take time and experimenting!  Heck, let’s make our entire body a playground.  Let’s try some anal play, nipple stimulation, different massages and anything else we can think to tinker with!

Resolution 4: I’m going to turn my play time into something really fun.  Try some games together, maybe fun sex dice, or strip poker, or, well, use your imagination!  You’ll figure out ways to laugh and make love in a whole new way!

Resolution 5: We are going to do this more often.  Do we need to explain this one?

Make your own resolutions and stick to them.  And always remember that the Sextoys.com Partyology Department is here to help you stay on track to a great sex life!

We’ve received many requests lately from customers asking which is the best toy for them.  It’s understandable that people can be overwhelmed with the number of sex toys that are on the market.  But it is also tough to answer that question.  If someone asked you which dildo was right for them, where do you begin? That’s a tough question.

Think about purchasing a vehicle, for instance.  A large family might want a mini-van, a carpenter would probably want a truck, some people buy cars to show off, others want hybrids for good gas mileage.  The point is, when you’re ready to buy a vehicle, you think about why you want a vehicle before you go shopping.

The last time we wrote about this subject was January, in a post titled Which Toy is Best?.  And if you’re looking for a bunch of extra details, that’s a great post to read.  But today we’re going to simplify the process (just in time for your holiday shopping).  Here are the basic questions you should ask yourself before you make a purchase:

1. What turns me on? The first key to selecting a sex toy is knowing what stimulation “does it” for you.  For women, do you like clitoral stimulation, G Spot stimulation, penetration, or all of the above?  For men, do you need something to help you take it slow and easy and enjoy the ride, or do you need something for a quickie?  Also guys, do you know the joys of prostate massage?  And for couples, what do you want to do together to spice things up, and what sex toy will accomplish that goal?

2. When and where will I use it? It’s pointless to purchase a sex toy that is impractical for your life.  Say you share a house or apartment and want something you can use privately.  What good is it to buy a vibrator that is extraordinarily loud?  Or you want something to use while you bathe or shower, but you buy something that isn’t water proof.  That doesn’t make much sense either.  Always make sure that a sex toy’s features will match up with the realities of your lifestyle.

3. What will it take to maintain it? Silicone, glass and hard plastic sex toys clean up in a snap, are usually very durable and require much less maintenance than most other materials.  They also last longer.  If you get a porous, or skin-like sex toy, are you willing to spend the time and energy to clean it properly, and store it according to manufacturer specifications?

4. Will this affect my body? If you have a latex allergy, you don’t want a rubber toy.  Remember also that your nose is a part of your body.  Some sex toys don’t have any smell associated with them (yes, silicone, glass and hard plastics – again).  Other sex toys do.  Jelly sex toys and rubber sex toys can carry strong smells in some instances.  You don’t want the smell of your dong to ruin the moment.

5. What am I willing to pay? Notice that this question comes last.  It’s pointless to buy an inexpensive sex toy if you can’t use it because it’s too loud, too big, too weak, not waterproof, and the list could go on.  Once you know what you want, then you can price shop.  For a first sex toy, it is always better to spend a few dollars more and get a high quality product.  The healthiness and happiness it can bring is far preferable to a few dollars saved leading to massive disappointment.

We hope this helps you in your shopping.  Good luck!

Black Friday seems like a perfect day to do a post on simple shopping lists for your sex toy loving friends.  Since we love using our products, we think we can do a good list of suggestions to help you choose the perfect gifts for men, women and couples.  So we’ll skip the intro and go straight to the list!

Gift Ideas for Men:

1. The Classix Silicone Snatch – Give him the perfect playmate for when he’s alone.  This is a great masturbator at a great price.

He will go nuts for this

2. April Flores’ Voluptuous Pussy – If he has a pulse, he’ll go nuts (literally) over this one.  See our review of this sex toy and you’ll know why.

3. Best Buy Pump – Pump up his manhood and watch him go from average to pumped with this pump.

4. Adonis Pouch – Don’t be a ball buster.  Get him a buzz for his boys!

5. The Original Oro Stimulator – Give him a blow job to go!

Gift Ideas for Women:

1. Ok, this isn’t technically an idea, but it is really a good place to start.  The women at Sextoys.com got together and created an entire category of Gifts for Women, based on what they would want.  Can’t go wrong starting there, right?

2. Silk Binding Sash – This one will let her be tied up in a stylish way.  A must for a little kink.

3. Diamond Lustre – She’ll hit the sweet spot with this one.

4. Rabbit Habit – Because this rabbit is a habit, she has to have it.

5. First Timer’s Strap On Set – We really don’t need to explain how fun this one is.

Gift Ideas for Couples:

1. Kama Sutra Bedside Box – Sarah’s review of this made us all want one for ourselves!

2. Screaming O Plus – Very few products can add a “Plus” to a screaming o, but this one does.

3. Finger in the Ace Kit – Get started with anal play with this great kit.

4. Nina Hartley’s Guide to Anal Sex DVD – Speaking of anal sex, why not get instruction from an expert?

5. Fetish Fantasy Plus Size Strap On – For the curvy fun lovers, this is an awesome choice.

And if nothing here does it for you, with over 20,000 choices, you’re sure to find something you love in our complete inventory.

Bend Over Beginner Harness Kit

While the recession seems to be coming to an end, lots of people are still looking for a good bargain, so I thought I would highlight some of my favorite strap-on kits available. While you can obviously buy a separate harness and dildo, you can save a little money by picking up one of these high quality kits.

The Bend Over Beginner Harness Kit from Tantus is great for those of you who are new to strap-on play and unsure where to start. My favorite thing about it is that you get two medical grade silicone cocks to grow with!

The kit features a velvet harness which is comfortable, adjustable (fits up to 60 inch hips), and machine washable. It also comes with an O-ring that can be changed for play with larger dildos as well as a pocket built in that fits a bullet vibe (included). The pocket holds the vibrator in place and allows access to the controls throughout your strap-on experience.

The Bend Over Beginner Kit has two smooth 100% silicone dildos, 7/8 x 4-1/2 and 1-1/4 x 5-1/2 so you can pace your exploration with comfort and safety.

Another great kit is the Bikini Harness and Silicone Dildo Set from Sportsheets. It’s really great for women who want to wield a cock like a bad ass femme fatale because the cut is totally cute.

If you’re looking for a comfortable harness and an quality cock, you need to take a look at the Sportsheets’ Bikini Harness and Dildo Set. The adjustable black harness is built for comfort and accomodates up to a 52 inch waist. Also included is a body safe fuchsia silicone dildo that is non-porous and phthalate-free.

The dong is five inches long, with a 1.25 inch diameter and 4 inch circumference. The harness can be used with any dildo that has a diameter of 1.25 inches.

Of course, there are a ton of other great strap-on kits out there, but these are two I think are fantastic because they are well made and both come with phthalate-free silicone cocks that are sure to last a very long time.

I’m a huge Juli Ashton fan, and it’s not just because I’ve seen her naked. There’s a lot more to this woman than some adult fans may realize – she was the first adult actress to own and operate her own production company and was the host of Night Calls for eleven years!  I love ambitious, intelligent women!

Since she’s probably not going to love me back any time soon, I figured I would check out the scene and see how I can get to know her better without, you know, stalking her!

The first thing that caught my eye was the Juli Ashton Pink Pocket Rocket. While this is a really basic toy, I really think it’s one that every woman should own. I’ve owned a couple of them over the years and they’re great for a quick O any time. Because they’re so simple, pocket rockets are also really great to incorporate into your partnered play – everything’s better with buzz!

If you’re a fan of her on camera work, you should take a look at the Juli Ashton 4 DVD Gift Set. This is the perfect set for couples who are looking to learn a little bit and set the mood for a spectacular night of debauchery!

Brought to you from the Alexander Institute, producer of the Ultimate Lovers DVD`s for couples and singles!The Juli Ashton 4 DVD Gift Set Includes:Loving Sex: Toys for Great SexThis erotic guide explores creative ways of using toys and other objects to enhance a couple`s sex life and bring more excitement to their lovemaking. Includes vaginal probes, clitoral vibrators, anal toys, and many more. Juli Ashton and her friends demonstrate the use of exciting toys in various situations and locations.

Finally, while this one does nothing for me, I just have to talk about the Juli Ashton UR3 Vibrating Ass and Pussy.  If you’re a die hard fan, this is probably your best chance to know what it’s like to spend an evening with Ms. Ashton! This realistic toy is molded from her hot body!

If you’ve ever dreamed of doing Juli Ashton, here’s your chance. Find endless sexual pleasure with an exact replica of Juli’s pussy and ass. It looks and feels just like her fabulous porn star body. You’ll love the tight fit and wet feel when you lube up and have your way with her!

Don’t pass up your chance to own something endorsed by one of the most beautiful women in the adult industry, Juli Ashton.

I’m guessing I’m not the only one who’s already begun their holiday shopping. I’m all about getting things done early because I’d rather snap my own neck then fight some old lady over the last pair of cashmere gloves at Macy’s. If you’re looking for a gift that keeps on giving for that special someone, I can recommend the Kama Sutra Bedside Box from personal experience!

That’s right, one of the perks of my job is trying out stuff so I can better serve you, dear reader. Of course, I do waste my time with a few duds, but this is one I can suggest to anyone who’s looking to increase intimacy. Inside this elegant wooden box you’ll find plenty of goodies like Kama Sutra’s Honey Dust, Spicy Oil of Love, Lubricating Love Liquid and French Vanilla Body Creme. If that’s not enough to keep you busy in the bedroom, I don’t know what is!

My favorite is definitely the Honey Dust, which comes with a cute feather applicator. I took my time running the feather along my partner’s body before licking the sweet dust off. It’s a great reason to linger over a lover for a long time! I also really like the French Vanilla Body Creme. After taking turns giving sensual massages with it, we were both rewarded with sweet kisses for the rest of the night!

Also included is a small bottle of Kama Sutra’s insanely popular Oil of Love. It’s a flavored warming lube that’s more subtle than a lot of products like it. If you love the idea of a warming lube, but have experienced the fear that comes when dabbing one on as your most sensitive bits are suddenly on fire, you might really like this one because it’s not as extreme. I don’t super love the flavor, but there are other options that I hope to try out in the future.

My only issue came when I picked up the Lubricating Love Liquid to discover that it contains Glycerin. I don’t use lube with that ingredient because my body disagrees with it and I’m not a big fan of yeast infections. I passed it on to a male friend who’s used it for solo play and reports back that it stays slippery and cleans up easy – so that’s good news!

Besides being packed full of sexy fun, this gorgeous box is something that you can leave on your nightstand and fill with all sorts of goodies. I’ve added a couple of my favorite lubes and my chapstick to mine! Whether you’re looking to treat yourself or a loved one, this is a great gift!

Time to get in touch with your naughty side

Tick. Tick. Tick.  Your time is running out to get awesome fetish sex toys, costumes and adult party fare for your Halloween celebration!  As we previously mentioned, you want a memorable and fun Halloween party.  You don’t want to become a victim of Lame Party Syndrome.  And even if your Halloween celebration will be limited to you and your partner, having the perfect sex toys are a great way to add spice to the celebration.

Up until now, we’ve shown you the lighter side of Halloween fun.  But some of you – the really lucky ones – like to have a little more wicked fun.  That’s where we can help you with our great selection of Fetish Sex Toys.  So get in touch with your naughty side for some wild fetish fun.

Now, we should mention that you’ll need to bring your imagination along for this trip.  The naughtier you feel, the more fun you’ll have.  Whether it is getting the perfect wicked look for a night out, being a little too “tied up” to make the party, giving your partner a Halloween spanking, or, if you really engage your imagination, taking the whole costume idea to a whole new level with some true BDSM role play.  The REALLY imaginative might even want to open their own Halloween dungeon.

That’s right, the only limits you have are the limits of your imagination!

Let’s start with that wicked look for a night out.  If you’ve picked your costume, you’ll want to accessorize to get your own unique look.  Check out these Eyelash Spike Goggles for that wicked look you want.

Eyelash Spike Goggles

From Axovus:

“Axovus Eyelash Spike Goggles are uber cool goggles! One size fits all, fully adjustable head strap and bridge chain, these uber cool goggles feature six 1 1/4″ claw spikes.

These goggles also feature removable 50mm lenses, comes standard with smoke colored lens, red, blue and 3D lenses available.”

And if you like the spiked look, you can move it down to your wrists with the intense Bolts and Spikes Gauntlet, which is probably the most hard core product for accessories we have in stock.  Toss in a Spiked Collar and you’ll have the Axovus trinity of awesomeness for the complete, sexually charged and dominating fetish look.

But you don’t have to go out to have a good time on Halloween.  It’s true.  Some of you like to be a little too “tied up” to make the party.  We like you.  We want to help you have every possible excuse, from the tightest to most erotic, to skip out on the song and dance and go straight for the squirm!

And for those of you who like this idea, we start with a good old fashioned Halloween Hog Tie!

Perverted Halloween wishes to you and yours

“The First and only HOG TIE that allows full access to all of your partners most intimate areas. Just Lock the wrist and ankles to the thighs and enjoy the journey…”

We like people who enjoy the hard core.  Shoot, WE like the hard core.  Find the hard core restraints to keep you tied up in our Restraints category.

Get things really hot with these

We apologize.  Was that not hard core enough for you?  If so, you’re our kind of fetish fanatic.  So you want something a little more intense?

How about a gag?  Should we throw in some nipple clamps?  What if we combined the gag and nipple clamps?  Are you warming up to the idea?

The Fetish Fantasy O-ring with Nipple Clamps is just what you need!

“Open WIDE!

Get your lover to open wide and say AHHH with this naughty O-Ring Gag with Nipple Clamps. The gag consists of a small metal O-ring wrapped in leather, connected to two sturdy leather straps.

Two chained nipple clamps keep your nipples perky, and the coated clamps easily adjust to fit your desired tension. The leather straps adjust to fit most sizes, pulling the ring tight and keeping the mouth open wide. You’re in control over when and how often your lover speaks…what you do next is up to you!

Free mask included.”

Some of you want to mix your costume fun with some serious, real life role play.  Time for a master and slave, yeah?  Maybe your man needs a strong dominatrix.  Maybe your WOMAN needs a strong dominatrix.  Maybe you want to take your captive to the dungeon!

We have a variety of choices that let you play the way you want.  With Cock and Ball Toys and Chastity Devices, you can get him under control.  Take her to the dungeon for a spanking, or for some intense breast play.  You can collar your slave and make him wear a hood or blindfold.

You can even play doctor for Halloween

We think you’re getting the idea.  With our selection of Fetish Sex Toys, you can get in touch with the wicked within and turn your Halloween celebration into the naughtiest fun you can imagine.  Whether you want an explosive orgasm, or you want to deny your slave his, we have everything you need.

Make sure to get your fetish gear soon, or you won’t have it for the holiday!  Happy Halloween, and be careful with his package when you play hard, you might want it around later!

ATTENTION You will not find her in a Lamestorm ATTENTION

On the radar, we’ve spotted a Lamestorm…

“Say, Bob, that sure is a cool Vampire suit,” Johnny says as he wipes cracker crumbs off his chin.  “Mike came as Darth Vader, you know.”  He washes down his cheese cracker with the four dollar wine and waves Janet over.  “Hey, Janet, come check out Bob’s Vampire suit!”

Janet rolls her eyes and heads for the Gin spiked punch bowl.  Susan’s on the couch, listening to ballads that weren’t even “that cool” twenty years ago when they were made.  She crosses her legs, leans back and reaches into her purse for a cigarette, remembering that she’d have to go out on the back patio to smoke it.  She pulls her hand back and crosses her arms when she thinks of Tony stomping around drunk in the back yard with his ten dollar Frankenstein mask.

The rental disc jockey picks up his microphone and says, “Alright everyone, Joe says it’s time to play Transylvania Style Charades!  Everyone into the living room!  I’ll be back on in thirty minutes, playing your favorite hits!  Remember the tip jar!”

Susan stands up, picks up her purse and heads for the patio.  She figures watching Tony act like a drunken sot would be more entertaining than trying to signal “werewolf” to Count Draculidiot and Darth Vader.  Amber’s pulled out her car keys and heads for the door.  Raymond has fallen asleep in the dining room next to the Hors D’oeuvres.

*****

This could be your Halloween party. Tragically, each year lame parties break out on major holidays around the world.  You don’t have to be a victim of this insidious phenomena.  They spring up from random acts of unimaginative planning, careless disregard for fun and from the minds of people trapped in corporate jobs where fun is defined by one’s productivity divided by one’s total break time plus lunch.

Only you can prevent Lame Party Syndrome.

For starters, please don’t wear a lame costume.  This is the beginning of the Lamestorm.  If you wear something tired, dull and unimaginative, you will only create a Lame Field around you that affects others.  They innocently wander into your Lame Field and themselves begin to feel lame.

If you don’t have the time to spend on costume selection, just go here for a good idea.  If you create a Lame Field, you have only yourself to blame.  Lame Party Syndrome most frequently breaks out in the closets of those invited.

Play this at your next party to create a waiting list for the following year

Next, don’t buy cheap drinks.  C’mon, man, this is a holiday!  Spend a couple extra bucks for the good stuff.  And for crying out loud, don’t use styrofoam or paper cups.  Are you kidding me?  You’ll create a monumental Lamestorm when the beverage gods see the good stuff going into environmentally unsound – or worse yet – Lame containers.

Get some of these and block the Lame with a sexy twist.

Finally, while Count Draculidiot and Darth Vader may love “Transylvania Style Charades,” you’ll bring serious Lame into the party atmosphere with them.  Heck, the only thing more dangerous to fun would be the “Uber” (used here for effect) Lame Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock collaborating with those dressed as Romulans to play “Star Trek Style Charades.”

As an aside, should that actually happen at a party you attend: a) Reconsider your invitation acceptance strategy b) Chug as much of the cheap booze as you can manage, and c) Hail the nearest cab, lest you wake up next to a Klingon commander in the morning.

Get a fun, sexy game to play at the party!  A fun game (if you play games) is the difference between a good time and a Lame Party Syndrome that sends your guests home in an angry, stultified stupor.

This concludes the Sextoys.com Partyology Department’s Official Lamestorm Warning And Holiday Statement.